When I "accidentally" deleted my first blog I created another one thinking the first one was well, deleted. I found it again, hence two blogs and a bunch of mixed up dates. I'll be sticking to one from now on I promise and forgive me for my instability or mood swings. ;)
Two auditions in one day??!! Needless to say I was super excited. Even more excited because the Saturday before I had taken an intensive commercial class. Nine and a half hours of intensity. So when I got the call on Monday I thought, "I got this." I am ready to apply every bit of information I learned and I will be a Walmart girl even if it kills me. Hahaha!! Well no callbacks, none. That's right I said zero and I really don't know how I feel about that. Personally, I think they lost my number ;) It's funny, because one day I'm ready to do this, I'm excited, motivated, ready to take on commercial land and the next I'm like whatever I can do without it. Fact of the matter is, I can't do without it, I enjoy it, it makes me smile, it challenges me. What I need to do without is the headtrippin' I put on myself because before you know it, it turns into a pity party for one and that my friends is not fun. Believe me, I know!
Have you ever been called out on the rug and you have nothing else to say but "I know, I know." Well that was me this morning. My most wonderful friend did it to me, but I am so grateful. When I started blogging I said straight out, I've never really worked hard for anything and once it gets tough or I don't feel like doing it anymore I quit. I told myself and my blog friends that I was not going to quit, I was going to pursue acting and blog about it so that you can follow me on this little journey. Well, if you've been reading you've probably noticed, or not, that I have deleted my blog twice (hence the 2 blogs). My excuse to my girl B, it's easier to not do it. I said it so nonchalantly, like that's what I do, that's how I roll. She straight called me out, all she had to say was "you said it, it's easier". My response, "I know, I know." I totally felt like a kid getting caught with my hand in the cookie jar and having no excuse. It was good though, I liked it, I needed it! So here I am, again, restarting something I should have never stopped. Is it easy to sit here and admit that I fail? NO! Do I like it? Of course not, but it's a journey and to learn and grow I must fail, but persevere. Lesson for the day, be truthful and honest but do it with love!! Oh yeah, and don't quit! By the way I have two auditions today! You see if I wasn't blogging, you wouldn't know!
I can't even begin to describe how mentally and emotionally draining these past couple of weeks have been. It's just crazy. Losing focus on what really matters, worrying about things I have no control over. Literally just being sick to my stomach. I start questioning the decision I made to start acting again. When Hollywood says "do not get into this business if you can not take rejection", they really mean it. No matter how much I tell myself it's no big deal, it's like the devil is sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear and telling me that I'm no good and that I'm wasting my time. After a few days of this, you begin to believe it!
I had to look back at my first posts and remember why I started doing this. It was a journey that I was going to begin, with at the time, 5 Facebook friends. A journey not only of my acting career but of what the Lord was going to do with me in the process. I look back and I tell myself "what in the world was I thinking?" I hate writing to tell you guys how I didn't get another audition. Pride is crazy! I wish I could say that I walked into the casting studio and they sent everyone else home as soon as they saw me because I was perfect for the part. It hasn't happened!!
It seems like lately the reoccurring theme in my life has been, don't quit, don't worry, fail forward. I must fail! I know that, it's just a horrible feeling! It's the pruning process and it hurts. It's the Lord chiseling away at my pride, making me accept rejection without feeling like it's the end of the world, and making me realize how much I really want this. Am I going to fight for it or lay in the pit and cry out "i've fallen and I can't get up".
I was sitting in church on friday for a night of praise & worship desperate to hear something, anything!! Suddenly this thought came to mind. It was like Jesus was telling me "what good would it do if I gave it all to you now". Totally!! What good would it do me?! That would be way too easy! Easy is not always good you know. I want to appreciate every audition, every gig, every chance I get to do what I love. If it was all given to me now I'm afraid that wouldn't be the case.
The Lord is doing a work in me right now, and it ain't pretty!!
Just thought i'd post an update about what's going on in the audition world. It's been a bit quiet so hence that's why i've been a bit quiet. I don't want to bore you to death telling you everyday that I can't wait for the phone to ring. Anyway! One of my acting coaches asked a couple of her students to audition for a project she's working on. Once she described it to me I was super excited, it just sounded like a lot of fun. Basically she wrote a script for a Butterfinger commercial that's going to be entered in a contest. We won't get paid to do the commercial but if it wins, it will air nationally and that my friends would be ultra fabulous!!
Besides the fact that i'm praying to get the part I am also praying for a miracle. If I get the part, it shoots on Saturday. Well, I being the wonderful coworker that I am ;) picked up a shift for a friend that couldn't work on Saturday. Get this, I have NOT worked a Saturday for about a year!! Can you believe that??!! So now i'm trying to find someone to cover for me but of course everybody is busy. I don't blame them, who wants to give up a Saturday afternoon. Anyway, I stressed for a second but then I realized it's in the Lord's hands, if it's His will it'll work out and if not, it won't. Simple as that! But... for all you prayer warriors out there, hook me up with a little prayer. First to get the part because it sounds like a total blast and second for some wonderful coworker to call me and take my shift.
I was super excited today! My nephew calls me and tells me he just saw me on the Disney Channel! He was so excited because now according to him i'm famous! Bless his little heart.
Although the acting front is quiet at the moment, I was excited to hear that the commercial is airing. I started getting a little itchy because the phone isn't ringing, but this should hold me over for a while! It was a reminder for me to be still and not lose heart.
I'm sorry if my blogs sound like a broken record but it's just what's going on. I'm being tested, my faith, my patience. I started reading Practical Theology for Women, a book that Bianca recommended during the 7 deadly sins class. The first couple of pages have already spoken to me loud and clear! In the book Wendy, the author, says that she was speaking to a friend and told her that she wishes she could just fast-forward a certain part of her life to just see the result. Her friends response, "No! The journey is as beautiful as the destination. The trials now, this entire pruning process, are a good thing." Wowwww!! Is that for me right at this moment or what??!!
So I will keep on keeping on, I won't give up when the going gets tough, and i'll stop whining! Hahaha!!
As soon as I get a link to the commercial, i'll post it. Thanks for the love!
I thought I would be writing my next post to let you guys know that I got the last gig I auditioned for, well that's not the case. I was a little bummed, i'm not gonna lie. When an actor hears these two magic words, SAG and National, the only thing you hear after that is Cha Ching!!! At this moment, I am hearing nuh thing! (sorry, I couldn't resist) I have no auditions scheduled and am not waiting for any call backs. I was a bit discouraged Sunday and Monday. Doubt began to set in again, I began to wonder if my acitng career is over, maybe I just got lucky? A bit dramatic, just a little! I'm usually pretty positive and optimistic but for some reason this just messes with my emotions, Big Time!! I guess because it's something that I love doing, so automatically the weird way I think takes over and I start telling myself that I don't deserve this to happen to me. I begin to tell myself, "it's too good to be true" and "it was fun while it lasted". If you follow me on twitter now you know why Sprinkles was my best friend on Monday night.
Anyway, as I was sitting there having my pity party with a lemon cupcake and a carrot cupcake, Pastor Pancho's voice popped into my head. I began recalling the message I had just heard the day before. "God answers our prayers all the time, he says yes, no or wait." Duhh!! A message I had heard the day before but I was so consumed and focused on my "woe to me" party that I lost focus of God and his promises! Then, I read Bianca's blog and I was checked again! Prayer changes things, I need to be in constant prayer. Not for me to get what I want, but for the Lord to continue to do HIS will and to change MY heart.
I need to remember that HE is with me ALL the time, and that his timing is NOT my timing. I don't know what HE has for me but after I got over it I realized that I can't give up. I need to look up and press forward. I just need to put on some glitter and sparkly beads.