What was I thinking??!!

I can't even begin to describe how mentally and emotionally draining these past couple of weeks have been.  It's just crazy.  Losing focus on what really matters, worrying about things I have no control over.  Literally just being sick to my stomach.  I start questioning the decision I made to start acting again.  When Hollywood says "do not get into this business if you can not take rejection", they really mean it.  No matter how much I tell myself it's no big deal, it's like the devil is sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear and telling me that I'm no good and that I'm wasting my time.  After a few days of this, you begin to believe it!  

I had to look back at my first posts and remember why I started doing this.  It was a journey that I was going to begin, with at the time, 5 Facebook friends.  A journey not only of my acting career but of what the Lord was going to do with me in the process.  I look back and I tell myself "what in the world was I thinking?" I hate writing to tell you guys how I didn't get another audition. Pride is crazy!  I wish I could say that I walked into the casting studio and they sent everyone else home as soon as they saw me because I was perfect for the part.  It hasn't happened!!  

It seems like lately the reoccurring theme in my life has been, don't quit, don't worry, fail forward.  I must fail! I know that, it's just a horrible feeling!  It's the pruning process and it hurts.  It's the Lord chiseling away at my pride, making me accept rejection without feeling like it's the end of the world, and making me realize how much I really want this.  Am I going to fight for it or lay in the pit and cry out "i've fallen and I can't get up". 

I was sitting in church on friday for a night of praise & worship desperate to hear something, anything!!  Suddenly this thought came to mind.  It was like Jesus was telling me "what good would it do if I gave it all to you now".  Totally!! What good would it do me?! That would be way too easy!  Easy is not always good you know. I want to appreciate every audition, every gig, every chance I get to do what I love.  If it was all given to me now I'm afraid that wouldn't be the case.  

The Lord is doing a work in me right now, and it ain't pretty!!